How to be more confident

Tips for when you don’t feel your best

Self-confidence is such an important part of life. What you think of yourself and how you speak to yourself affects so much of who you are, how you present yourself, and how others see you.

So why is it that so many of us struggle to feel confident? How to get more confidence and how do I become more confident are the most common questions people ask life coaches. I’ve met with so many clients who struggle to think of themselves positively.

mohamed_hassan / Pixabay

Some people make confidence look easy. They might make you think that not everyone has confidence issues from time to time. But the truth is you’re not alone if you have days when you feel bad or feel like you aren’t good enough.

Having doubts is normal. But if you regularly feel a lack of confidence and think of negative things about yourself, it could be having a much more significant impact on your life than you think.

I’ve looked at why so many of us struggle with these self-critical issues and how they impact life. That’s why put together some top tips I give to clients to help them boost their self-confidence. So, if you want to know how to be confident and how you lack confidence, read on!

How to be more confident – not cocky – build self confidence

By definition, confident means feeling certain about something. As humans, we want to feel certain in our own abilities. We want to be able to make new friends, excel in our careers, and enjoy daily life without second-guessing ourselves. But fears and past experiences can hold us back, which can cause you to become a less confident person.

Have you ever asked yourself: How can I be more confident? How to build confidence? To understand how to be more confident and how it can impact your life, you first need to understand the difference between having self-confidence, lacking self-confidence, and being cocky. Knowing how to be more confident in yourself doesn’t mean you need to go over the top.

Firstly, people who lack self-confidence aren’t necessarily shy. Being timid is not always a sign of someone with low self-esteem. There are plenty of shy, introverted people who know how to be confident and don’t have low confidence levels. Lacking self-confidence or having low self-esteem just means you don’t have faith in who you are and what you can do. You may feel anxious, wrong, and judged by others. You may not appreciate the skills and experience you have as being important.

To build your confidence, you don’t have to be cocky. Building confidence is viewed as a very positive thing, but being arrogant is considered a problem. People who are outwardly cocky and show off give off an impression of thinking of themselves as better than others.

This is not self-confidence. Genuine self-confidence is quiet and more self-assured. As they say: Confidence is not walking into a room and believing that everyone will love you; it is walking into a room and knowing that you’ll be okay when a person doesn’t like you.

Why self-confidence is so important

Having confidence in yourself can change your life. I’m serious; it could make you a success. I’ve worked with clients who have transformed their lives just by having a little bit more confidence in themselves.

Why? Because becoming more confident changes so much about your mindset and even your body language. A study from 2004 found that people who inwardly have self-confidence show it outwardly and generally attract other people’s help and support. So being confident can literally make other people want to help you achieve success.

We are drawn to people who appear confident in what they have to offer and have receptive and expressive body language. Someone who looks like they aren’t confident and are tucked away in a corner with their arms crossed, not giving an opinion, is unlikely to receive the support of others.

Recent research found that people who display quiet confidence in themselves are more likely to be liked and helped by others. So being confident in yourself is not only crucial for your mental health; it could be the reason you get the support you need to reach your goals.

Why you lack confidence

If confidence is so important, why do so many of us suffer from a lack of confidence? Now more than at any other time in history, research shows, people suffer from low self-worth. Much of the blame lies with social media and the explosion of technology in recent years.

Previously, we could only compare our lives, choices, looks, and skills to a small group of people that we knew intimately. You might have come across people on the news or TV, but that’s it. Nowadays, social media accounts such as Instagram allow small, hand-selected snapshots into the lives of millions of people. Currently, almost 2.4 billion people* (*as of April 2024) use Instagram, so we have access to the highlights of so many people’s lives.

This makes it easy to compare the reality of our life and situation with the best bits of someone else’s. No wonder so many of us lack confidence.

Furthermore, the fast-paced work-centric society we live in makes people more stressed than ever before. Feeling stressed leads to worry that you won’t succeed or don’t have enough to offer. Facing failure after failure and suffering multiple rejections in a very competitive environment is enough to give anyone confidence issues.

Learn how to become more confident: 12 confidence tips to improve your self-worth

Just like riding a bicycle or learning to swim, self-confidence is a skill you can teach yourself. Here’s a closer look at the steps you can start taking today to grow your self-confidence.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others

Perhaps the hardest thing to do but the thing that will make the most difference to your self-confidence is to stop judging yourself compared to others. You realise you are on a different path from everyone else, and you don’t know other people’s circumstances. You need to focus on yourself.

Unless you know every detail about somebody else’s situation, you should not compare your own. You may feel inadequate to someone who started with more than you or was able to invest differently; perhaps the looks you are jealous of came from plastic surgery and expensive facials. You don’t know their advantages or the support they need to get where they are.

Generally, when we compare ourselves to others, we only look at the bad. We overlook all the things we have that are better than them. So, when you make comparisons, they are inaccurate and will only make you feel worse. When you accept that comparisons aren’t motivational and aren’t the truth, you will gain confidence in your own situation and skills.

2. Learn something new

For many people, low self-confidence comes from feeling like you aren’t good at something. This can leave you feeling unmotivated, and then you’re in a downward spiral where you forget to challenge yourself.

Learning a new skill, however basic, helps with boosting self-confidence. It doesn’t have to be something that will have a massive impact on your career prospects. Still, something as simple as learning a few phrases in a foreign language, taking a course online, or starting a new hobby can make you feel so much better about yourself.

When you master a new ability, your brain starts to realise what you can do. Then your self-esteem improves. If you can learn that, what else can you learn? This gives you an instant mood boost and leaves you feeling confident, knowing that you have the potential to be successful.

3. Be gentle with yourself

It’s not unusual to question yourself, doubt yourself, and feel bad. As we’ve just said, you won’t find your self-confidence overnight. Self improvement takes time and practice like anything else. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Everyone struggles from a crisis of confidence at some point.

But feeling bad about yourself can often lead to further depression and anxiety. When you do have days where you doubt your abilities, don’t punish yourself even more by thinking harsh negative thoughts about yourself.

4. Positive self-talk for a better future

When you experience negative self talk and feel a little uncertain, try to make room for self-care and positive self-talk. Try saying affirmations in the mirror and talking to yourself as you would a close friend. You have the ability; you just need to tell yourself that you do. You may find you are kinder to others than you are to yourself. You might not feel like a badass today, but you could tomorrow.

Practice self-talk or write notes to yourself the way you speak to someone you care about. The voice in your head significantly impacts how you feel, so training that voice to talk positively will help you feel more confident. Daily affirmations are a fantastic way to boost your confidence.

5. Create a positive network

Although self-confidence comes from within, other people can still have a massive impact on how we see ourselves. Often, we feel inadequate or question our worth when we feel judged by other people. If you find yourself surrounded by people who constantly judge you, tell you that you aren’t good enough or put you down, it’s natural to feel bad.

Surround yourself with more positive people. Take note of who you spend time with and try to identify people who lift you up and help you feel confident and those who don’t. If it’s possible, cut these people out and hold on to the positive ones. If it’s someone you can’t cut out completely, minimise the time you spend with them. You need to build a network of positive people that will help you see your worth and encourage you.

6. Copy confident people

We’ve all heard the phrase fake it ’til you make it. It’s catchy, but as with most sayings, it is easier to say and much harder to do. If you are struggling to find your self-confidence or just having a bad day, pretending you are more confident than you think can really help.

When you put on a show of confidence, you will find other people interact with you with more respect for your opinions and boundaries, which in turn, is confidence building. But you need to know how to put on a show.

Think of confident people you know or someone you see in the media who exudes the kind of confidence you are working towards. Focus on how they hold themselves, how they walk and talk and stand. What would they do if they were interrupted in an important meeting? How would they react to an insult?

Finding someone to emulate can help you give off the kind of attitude and presence you are working towards (even if you don’t feel that brave yet!).

7. Acknowledge your strengths

Everyone is good at something. It might not be the things you want to be good at, at least not yet. But there are things you already excel at, and those things matter, regardless of how small or inconsequential they seem. 

If you want to build your confidence, start thinking about the things you know you’re good at. Write down your unique talents and skills. Remind yourself of these strengths when you’re feeling low. It’s like having a little pep talk with yourself.

Once you start acknowledging your strengths, they’re easier to recognise and talk about. You’ll start seeing more things you’re good at, which is key in fighting against imposter syndrome. 

8. Keep a journal of positive affirmations

There’s immense power in positive thinking. When life feels tough, you’re not reaching goals, or you’re otherwise feeling low, a few positive affirmations can give you the boost you need.

Keeping a journal of positive words and phrases gives you a go-to space to change your mindset. It’s like having a cheerleader in your back pocket, always ready to lift you up when you need it the most.

Some examples of things you can write in your positive affirmation journal include:

• I am capable.
• I am loved.
• I deserve success.
• I am strong.
• I am smart.
• I can do this.
• I believe in myself.
• I trust the journey.
• I can be patient with myself.
• I choose to focus on the positive.
• I am in control of my thoughts and emotions.
• I am making progress.
• I am growing and learning every day.
• I can overcome any challenge.
• I embrace my unique qualities and strengths.
• I am worthy of love and respect.
• I am grateful for the good things in my life.

Positive words like these help us rewire our brains. Our minds tend to gravitate towards negative thoughts and self-doubt, especially when we’re stressed or facing challenges. Writing down words and phrases of love and confidence can help us counteract this tendency. It reinforces positivity and makes us feel more optimistic.

Eventually, you’ll start to internalise these core beliefs. They become engrained in you. And it will be faster and easier to flip a negative mindset into a positive mindset so you can keep moving forward.

9. Experience new social situations

Stepping outside your comfort zone gives you room to grow. One way to do this is to engage in new social situations that might not otherwise be on your radar. This might be going to a business networking event, a party, or even hanging out at a local coffee shop while you work. 

New social scenes can invite fear and uncertainty. But each time you navigate a new scene, you prove to yourself that you can handle it. This can gradually build your confidence, plus it exposes you to new people who could become stepping stones to new opportunities. 

What once seems intimidating can become routine. Your comfort zone increases in size and helps you become more adaptable to new situations. You have more chances to hone your communication and interpersonal skills. Combined, these can help you feel more confident in social settings.

10. Celebrate small victories

Every achievement is a victory, no matter how small. They’re reminders that you’ve done something and are capable, knowledgeable, and competent. Recognising these small wins can help your self-confidence grow. 

Small moments can boost your motivation. They offer a greater sense of accomplishment and progress, which can be especially encouraging when working toward long-term goals. Any victory can also be a milestone, which shows you’re moving in the right direction.

Let these moments reinforce your belief in your abilities. Know you can do these things, and possibly more. It helps you develop a habit of looking for the good in every moment of your day-to-day life, which can improve your overall outlook and mental health.

11. Embrace failure

Failure is a natural part of success. It serves as a stepping stone toward bigger goals, even if it feels like it’s setting you back. The reality is that every you fail, you also learn. Learning opportunities can guide you to the right path.

Never be afraid to fail, and don’t take failure personally. Instead, learn to embrace failure because you ultimately walk away stronger. A little shift in mindset can do wonders for your growth.

12. Practice mindfulness

A lack of self assurance is all in our heads. Or put another way, it doesn’t exist! We trick ourselves into believing we’re not good enough, even when we don’t have a shred of truth to support these thoughts. 

That’s why mindfulness can be so powerful in building self confidence. It allows us to confront these lies head-on and see that we shouldn’t believe in our self-doubt.

We can practice mindfulness through meditation, deep breathing, journaling, or other activities where we block distractions around us. These activities allow us to focus on the problem in front of us and banish negative thoughts.

When you become mindful of the crippling thoughts that are creating confidence issues, you can start pulling them apart and realising they’re all in your head.

Daily tips on how to be more confident

Building self-confidence can take time. It’s not a switch you can flip to change your mind. Changing how you think and feel about yourself is an ongoing process. Even people who are usually confident can have bad days.

Here are some self-confidence tips that you can incorporate into your everyday routine to help you feel better about yourself and how to be confident.

• Look after your body: Feeling clean and presentable can help you feel more confident about your looks and how you present yourself to others. A healthy body is the first step to a healthy mind and being self-confident. Shower or bath daily, wear deodorant and ensure your clothes are clean. Exercise frequently and have a balanced diet to ensure you stay healthy and feel positive about your body image.
• Wear clothes that feel good: You might want to follow the latest style trend, but if it doesn’t suit you and you feel self-conscious, it will be impossible to feel good. Wear clothes you feel comfortable wearing to avoid worrying about your appearance.
• Stand tall: Slouching or hunching your shoulders can actually impact your mind. When you take up less space and make yourself small physically, your mind starts to think smaller. Instead, pull your shoulders back and sit or stand upright to trick your brain into being more confident. Eye contact is another way to trick your brain to build confidence. Making and holding direct eye contact can help you be more confident.
• Do something uncomfortable: It can be tough to do, but you’ll feel much better when you step outside your comfort zone and face new challenges. For example, you will expand your comfort zone when you push yourself to do something frightening like public speaking. If you succeed, you’ll feel incredible. If you fail, you’ll still feel better because you tried, and everything else will seem easy.
• Think about yourself: It’s not selfish to think about yourself, what you want, and how you look. When you find yourself thinking about someone else, try to change your thoughts back to yourself. For example, if you are jealous of someone’s looks, try thinking about three things you like about yourself and one thing you want to work on. If you are jealous of someone’s job, think about the positives of your current role and what you need to do to progress. Direct your thoughts to yourself, and you’ll feel better.
• Learn how to accept criticism: No one in the world is perfect so you will face rejection and criticism, but this doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. Learn how to take criticism so that it becomes constructive and helps you improve rather than holding you back and making you feel bad about yourself. Learning how to become more confident in yourself doesn’t mean you can’t still take feedback.

Final thoughts on how to be more self-confident

Many people struggle with a lack of self-confidence nowadays. With so much social media, we are constantly judging others, so it’s easy to feel negative and have limiting beliefs. But this shouldn’t hold you back. Being confident can help with your relationships, career, hobbies and help you focus on your own strengths. Now you know how to be confident, you can become more successful in every aspect of your life.

We all need help sometimes. If you struggle to feel more positive or have extreme feelings of anxiety, depression, and lack of confidence, it’s okay to seek help. Speak to a life coach for tips for confidence, enlist a friend’s help, or speak to a therapist to be more confident.

It’s time to start believing in yourself.